Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Gloomy Weather, Gloomy Girl

So, its been pouring for a good couple of hours. I just want the sun. It's so dreary when it rains and it makes life miserable.

That being said, my day wasn't dreadful, there are just one or two things that bug me more than they should, and I want to clear it up here. It's easier to explain while typing alone in my room than with a bunch of us in the dining hall.

But first, nice stuff today- Jake told me only 3 people got to be OL's from the Business School (and all schools, as a matter of fact) so that means I must have been really impressive to get it! That's exciting! I just hope the experience will be wonderful, which I'm sure it will be. I'll get to make new friends, so that's kind of cool. I mean, I adore my friends from Lyon, but branching out can't hurt. I mean, we spend like every day together, and sometimes I think some distance could do some good, just once in a while. When you spend too much time together, there are bound to be one or two problems, even if they aren't major. That hasn't really happened yet, but I know from my experience with Cesca. We even fought because we just eventually got on each others nerves. It happens, that's life.

Also, Jake thinks there are more classes I can take in London for my major, which would be nice, cause I'm looking at a ton of 18 credit semesters when I'm actually on this campus and not in Europe. Totally worth it. He's having someone from the B school email me, since I don't go there anymore this semester.

Finally, my stats professor asked me to consider minoring in Math. Now, I hate math. The only way I got through it was my calc buddy Kayla, but she's not here. And I just don't like math enough to dedicate the time and effort it would take- a math minor is 21 credits. With my major, concentration, 2 minors and 2 study abroads, I really, really can't fit it in. I know it would look good, I just really can't do it. I feel bad saying no, but I have to grow a backbone sometime. I usually say yes so I don't hurt people's feelings, and my professor is really nice, I just don't see it happening. Oh well, I appreciate the compliment.

Now the bad. There's really only one thing that's getting me down, and it's just stupid. It shouldn't be, and I feel really bad for being upset about it, but I can't help it. I'm not perfect. I'm not over my insecurities and all the things in high school that reminded me of my constant failure.

Today in class, long story short, our group of 4 (me, Sarah, Casey and Andrea) were splitting up to work on an exercise. Casey and Andrea asked Luke to be in their group, and he said something to the effect of "Yay! I get to be in the group with the better girls!"

I almost cried. I know he jokes around. I know he was kidding. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal to people. But I've spent my entire life being compared to and belittled by people. Ever since I was born, I've been compared to my sister, Francesca. Her name is cooler. She isn't as shy. She's more extroverted and cool and confident and everything I'm not. She's bubbly and peppy and I'm quieter and more subdued. I spent the entirety of high school being compared to her and being called 'the stupid one' because she was Salutatorian and I wasn't. Doesn't matter that I was number 4. Nope. I'm just not as worthy.

So you know what, being called 'not as good' bugs me. A lot. I spent years hating myself because I didn't measure up to other people's standards. Every time someone mentions Cesca and her speech, I'm reminded of my apparent failures in high school. No matter what, I've been overshadowed. So forgive me if it upsets me when someone tells me I am not as worthy, especially when they can't even remember my name.

So my friends, I apologize for making a big deal out of something that you feel isn't. But to me, it took me back to my years of sadness and self-loathing during high school. Do you know what it feels like to hate yourself, utterly and completely? It may seem over dramatic, but that was my life in high school. And I never want to be there again.

Monday, March 29, 2010


Today was a wonderful day for me in so many ways, and horrible in one that overrides almost everything...

I slept well, a little later than planned. I was going to get up and go to breakfast, but sleep beckoned. I studied my Italian, committed most of it to memory, had a fun class, had an easy COMP class, as well as getting a 10/10 on my project. I also got a 10/10 on my stats quiz!!!!
Then I watched Legend of the Seeker, which was semi ridiculous as it always is, but then Richard and Kahlen got back together (after being separated... again...) and the joy on their faces when they saw each other was sooooo beautiful.

Best part of the day: I GET TO BE AN OL THIS SUMMER!!! That means less time at the BK lounge, more time in Ithaca. I'm hoping to make new friends and meet some great new people!

It just sucks because Sarah didn't get it. I so hoped she would, because we had such wonderful plans for the summer. But alas, all happiness in my life either brings about sadness to others or is coupled with some sadness. Still, I can't help but be excited.

Still not much homework to be doing. I'm done with most of it, so basically all I'm doing tonight is studying stats and Italian and wasting my life on my computer. Oh well. And Pilates, so at least I'll be doing something worthwhile.

That's about it for today. Ithaca has a bad habit of misting/fogging up strangely, but the weather is supposed to be marvelous this weekend! Whoo!!!

Currently listening to Till There Was You, Goodnight, My Someone and Marian the Librarian. Sarah got me obsessed with The Music Man...

Thursday, March 25, 2010

More Nostalgia

As it gets closer and closer to May, I am reminded of a time I used to wait for with such excitement: recital. At this point in the year, dance pictures should be happening soon, as costumes are coming in and being distributed to eager dancers who want to try them on.

The girls that I am friends with on facebook that are still in high school have been posting pictures of their costumes, and it made me kind of sad... I used to be one of the girls eagerly trying on their shiny new costumes. As dance costumes must always be shiny, shimmery and sparkly. I have my fair share of glittery ones. God how I miss it... Every so often the thought crosses my mind, "Do they miss me?"

I didn't grow up at the dance studio like most of my classmates. I was only there during high school, and as such, missed some of the formative years of dancing. I can hold my own in all genres I learned, tap, jazz, ballet, and pointe, with the exception being turning. I suck at turning, as my spotting skills are pretty much nonexistent. I mean, I can do a clean double, but nothing fancy. I also suck at tap, but my old instructor Shara, one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, inside and out, told me it was ok, as the other girls had just learned how to fake it and didn't really know it either.

And I just miss it. I miss the tights and leotards and the sweating and the stretching and the kicks and the turns and the jumps and the spins and the exhaustion and the pain and the joy. I miss it all. I miss Saturday rehearsals in the either freezing or extremely hot studio. I miss night rehearsals with cupcakes for every occasion. I miss opening, I miss barre, I miss pointe, I miss tutus and rips and falls and slips.

Sure, pilates and yoga keep me flexible (I can still do unstretched splits) but there is nothing like moving to the music.

The dance studio wasn't just a place to wear pretty, tight costumes. It was a place of love. We went and saw Twilight (in a white Hummer limo!). We had a sleepover and watched old videos and saw everyone's dances. It was just a good time.

And now, almost a year later, I wonder, "Do they miss me? Do they even notice I'm gone?"

Nostalgia is a bitch.

Here's me in some of my senior year costumes, if you haven't seen them while creeping my Facebook page... You may remember my lovely jazz costume from Halloween.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Problem with being an overachiever

I am so incredibly bored right now. I finished my Italian Composition and Comp Project. Both are due Friday. I am ahead on the reading for Honors, since I'm over halfway done with the book and still have like a week to read it. I finished my Stats reading and all I have to do is study. We didn't have homework for Macro. I'm acing that class anyway.

So, sitting here with nothing to do, as my friends are actually busy, I did my laundry. I went to the gym and worked out. I've been all over Facebook and all the other sites I normally visit. And it isn't even 5 o'clock. None of the tv shows that I watch are on right now, so I can't watch them on hulu.

I already planned next semester's schedule and have it worked out- hopefully. 18 credits. Oh boy.

The result of this boredom? I just want to nap. Because I have nothing else to do. How lame.

Monday, March 22, 2010


Ahhh, it feels so good to be back in Ithaca. I love break and I like being home, mostly cause hanging out with Ronnie and Lauren is awesome, but I love the feeling of being here. I like the slow, usually peaceful walks to class, and the sounds of people playing frisbee in the quads, and the knowledge that some of my best friends are just a few steps away.

Maybe that's why home wasn't the same this time, my best friend wasn't mere inches from me most of the time. I'm glad I got to visit Cesca, but sleeping in our shared room alone was kind of lonely and a bit scary. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with having my own room when the time comes. For the total of 19 years that I have lived, I have never had my own room. Weird.

So today starts a lot of good things. First of all, I don't have my 9 o'clock anymore, which means I get to sleep in later, although I miss breakfast with my friends. Maybe once in a while I'll get up and go, and use the hour in between to be productive. Second, we start the epicness that is Final Fantasy VIII tonight, which I am so excited for (as you know, if you've been reading this from the beginning). Third, and probably most important (I save the best for last), it's Alysia's birthday!!! She's finally 18! So now we can do the things we have always wanted to do as a group! Like buy cigarettes and porn and play the lotto! Ok, kidding on that one, but now we can go clubbing, which is what we've been waiting to do for like, ever.

Anyway, it's been so nice to hang with my Ithaca pals, and I'm really glad we got to discuss Alice in Wonderland. Good thing, because I thought I was the only one who picked up on the major sexual tension between Alice and the Hatter. I was so hoping that his likeness would be on the ship at the end, but alas, it was not to be. I found a copy of the original script, and in the last scene in Underland, he really does kiss her (twice!) but it was cut from the movie. Not sure why, except for the fact that Johnny Depp is like 40 something and Mia Wasikowska is like 20. Meh. That could be the reason.

Speaking of sexual tension, we have continued our endeavor of watching Firefly and have finished about half of the season. Gah, I want Simon and Kaylee to be together soooo bad, they're so cute!!! And Inara and Mal have that awkward 'we're-really-mean-to-each-other-but-really-want-to-tear-each-others-clothes-off" thing going on. My fear is that since the show was canceled after one season (although there is a movie) and Joss Whedon usually has like epic 17 season shows planned out, that it won't be resolved. I mean, look at the Office- it took Jim and Pam like 4 seasons to finally get together. In Bones, Booth and Brennan still haven't completely admitted their feelings to one another. To conclude the list of examples with a Joss Whedon show, Welsley and Fred didn't get together until the freaking end of the 5th season, and that was for like 2 episodes. Gah. I can't wait to see more!

That's all for now folks. Onward to Block 4!

Currently listening to: "I Wanna Be a Producer" from The Producers. Such a good movie.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I'm such a dork

I saw Alice in Wonderland today- SO GOOD!!!! I was soooo sad when she was talking to the Mad Hatter about how he wasn't real and then when she was about to leave it was so sad! But oh well, hopefully we can talk more about it at school.

Alice in Wonderland doesn't make me a dork. I think Final Fantasy does. I mean, I cried in VII when Aerith died. The ending of X usually makes me cry. I get attached to characters and their stories, and I love it.

What brings these thoughts up? Well, aside from that fact that in mere days I will be rejoined with my beloved Final Fantasy VIII for another go, my friends Ronnie and Lauren (the 2 who visited) have been playing Final Fantasy XIII and showed me the beginning. It is so cool and I wanted to talk about it, even if you guys skip this blog and don't bother, I just have to tell someone or something about it.

The game begins, as they always do, with an epic opening. Now Final Fantasy XIII has a lot to live up to, and so far, it's pretty damn awesome.

We are on a ship with prisoners for an event known as "The Purge." In the world of FFXIII, there are 2 important planets: Cocoon and Pulse. Most people live on Cocoon, and they fear the world below. Anything that comes in contact with something from Pulse must be disposed of immediately.

The Purge is happening because something major has been discovered: A Pulse fal'Cie (pronounced fahl-see). The fal'Cie are sort of mechanical gods that are responsible for certain things: there is a food fal'Cie, a machine fal'Cie, etc. The people and government of Cocoon feel that this must be destroyed, and anything involved with it must go as well, so all the people near the fal'Cie must be destroyed (The Purge is just an excuse to execute them). I'll explain the fear of the fal'Cie in a minute. Keep in mind that Cocoon also has fal'Cie, which are fine, it's the fact that this one is from Pulse that makes it bad.

We are introduced to a few key people who will eventually be the main group: first is Lightning, an ex soldier who for some reason wants to get to the fal'Cie for something important, and Sazh, who tags along with Lightning because she is strong.

Cue Snow, a man who is considered a hero in his group. He is the leader of NORA, an anti Purge group that is fighting to save the people from execution. He also desperately wants to get to the fal'Cie, no matter what the risks.

You also meet Hope, a young boy, and Vanille, a peppy young girl. Through misfortune and misunderstanding, Hope holds a grudge against Snow and follows him to the fal'Cie.

All of these people meet in the fal'Cie. It is revealed that Snow and Lightning know each other; they are after the same thing: Serah (pronounced Sarah, like our lovely friend!). Serah is Lightning's sister and Snow's bride to be. Both are desperate to save her, since a few days prior to the events of the game, Serah was turned from a normal human into a l'Cie (pronounced luh-see) by the Pulse fal'Cie.

What is a l'Cie? A l'Cie is a person chosen by the fal'Cie to perform a certain task, called a Focus. They are not explicitly told what their Focus is; at the moment when they become l'Cie, the person receives a vision of their Focus, and must figure out what it means and what to do. If they complete their Focus in time, they become a crystal and gain eternal life. If not, they become a mindless, zombie like creature. Because of the ambiguity of the Focus, becoming a l'Cie is seen as a cursed existence and l'Cie are not welcome on Cocoon.

The group doesn't know what awaits them, but in the fal'Cie, they find Serah, who whispers something to the effect of: "Save Cocoon," before turning into a crystal, though it is unclear what her Focus actually was. Snow believes she is still alive because of the stories, but Lightning does not, saying that a crystal is not alive. In their desperation to get Serah back, they and the rest of the group rush into the center of the fal'Cie and beg it to give Serah back, before Lightning gets angry and strikes it.

In a flurry of activity, the group fights for survival, however the fal'Cie, once defeated, reveals its true power and overcomes the group, grabs them, and marks them as l'Cie, giving them a glimpse of their Focus before turning itself and the rest of the city into crystal.

Desperate to save Serah and now themselves, this group of mostly strangers must work together to fulfill their Focus before time runs out, or before the government of Cocoon destroys them, for they are now enemies of the state.

And that's the gist of the beginning, or at least what I saw at Ronnie's. That's about an hour or two of the game, with plenty more to go (the average RPG play time is over 60 hours). I'm sure that since it's a Final Fantasy game, there will be numerous plot twists and crazy action before a resolution, but I'm super excited to play. Which won't be til summer, when I acquire a Playstation 3, a strategy guide, the game, and most importantly, time. I am super pumped. It looks to be an awesome game, the graphics are stunning and the plot has already sucked me in. I'm so excited to be gaming again!!!

*end dork rant* Sorry you all had to see that. Sometimes my video game geek gets the better of me!

Currently listening to "Serah's Theme" from FFXIII, cause it is just too sweet!!!!

Friday, March 19, 2010


"Memories! Memories are like fireflies darting across the surface of my mind, showing me here and there images so sharp and vivid that I catch my breath in wonder before the vignette disappears, sinking like a pebble into the quicksand of regret and recrimination."

It's a quote from Susan Kay's Phantom, which kind of goes through the Phantom's life before and during the timeline of the Leroux novel. It feels sort of appropriate here...

I visited the high school today with my wonderful friend Heather, who I carpooled with for the entirety of high school. She's so cute and peppy, and invited me to come join her; she wanted to watch the Tech rehearsal of the show, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, as the show will take place when we are back in school. I decided to go. It would be fun to see old friends and faces at the rehearsal, and I could finally just relax and watch for once, instead of being stressed out and running around changing costumes and such for the shows.

But god, how much it made me miss it! I miss the dancing, the singing, the long pauses, the dropped lines, the miscues and the general fun we used to have. Some of my best friends are from the theater, and I miss everyone and everything dreadfully. It made me miss dance, made me miss the torment and exhaustion of running scenes and dances over and over again till my feet bled (it's happened quite a few times) and I was too tired to move...

Who would have thought I would miss the musicals and tech week and dress rehearsals and all that when I left high school. I though it was all just going to be a memory, but going back makes me wish, if just for a moment, that I was still in high school...

Wait, never mind. I love college =) Although there were plenty of cute guys there. Oh god, I hope I'm not becoming a cougar... haha

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Remember Me

So, I just got back from hanging out with my lovely friends from home. We were playing Final Fantasy XIII after we saw the movie, and I'll be updating on that later cause it's freaking awesome and I really want to play.

I just had to review this movie because it is amazing, I highly recommend it and I wanted to say stuff before I forgot about it.

The movie starts off with the murder of Ally's mother when 10 years prior to the movie, which makes her father (a police officer) sort of over protective.

Cue Robert Pattinson- Tyler. He's sort of a lost almost 22 year old. The year upsets him because his older brother, Michael, killed himself shortly after his 22nd birthday 6 years prior to the start of the film. He sits at a diner they used to eat at often and writes notes to his brother, saying things like "Gandhi once said everything you do in your life will be insignificant, but it's important that you do it anyway" which is kind of a theme for the movie. He's a great older brother, but he doesn't much care for his serious, business man father, played by Pierce Brosnan, who I still picture as James Bond from my childhood.

Anywho, Tyler is kind of drifting through life when one day he tries to stop a fight. The officer kind of blows him off, so Tyler starts arguing with him, gets beat up and arrested. The arrest kind of shows into his life, about how he doesn't like his dad, who is a workaholic, etc. Anyway, it turns out the officer is Ally's dad, and Tyler knows who Ally is. His roommate Aidan tells Tyler to ask her out and use her to get revenge. Tyler is kind of a pushover about this, so he asks her out, they start out awkward, but eventually find comfort and peace in the midst of their mutual tragic pasts. Tyler's 'notes' to his deceased brother Michael serve as a wonderful framing device for the movie.

The movie does a great job of showing how their relationship makes Tyler a better person and give him direction in his life. He begins repairing relationships in his family and making an effort at life. However, the truth must eventually come out as things spiral out of control for everyone.

Now, lets be honest, with a title like Remember Me, something in there has got to be worth remembering. And it is. The final scene of the movie is both heartbreaking and beautiful. I won't spoil the ending, but I cried. A lot. It's subtle, but you can catch it if you try.

So, best scenes of the movie for me were definitely 1) the fight between Tyler and his Father after his father misses the little sister's art show. The intensity between them is amazing. 2) the ending- Rob's voiceover is especially poignant, poetic and gut wrenching.

For me, it is a must see. I'd go again if anyone wanted to, not only because Rob Pattinson, to me, is jaw droppingly handsome, but also because his acting is amazing. He far surpasses the demands that the Twilight Saga places on him (which is really just to look broody and good) and morphs into a serious, legit actor in this movie. Every time he's on screen I just wish there was a boy with smoldering eyes that looked at me like that. God. It was sexy.

So yeah, if you haven't seen it by the time we get back to school, it's worth taking the trip to the regal to see. I'd gladly pay to see it again. I'd give it 5 stars. I laughed, I cried, it was a good time.

Not only the sexyness, but the acting and story in general, I thought it was all beautifully done.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

It's my birthday!!!!

Today is a wonderful day, for the most part. I'm 19, but I'm old for my age. I'm just born to be bad.

Sorry, I've been waiting for like EVER to make the reference from Rent. Now I get to do that for a whole year!

Anyway, I went to Denny's this morning to enjoy a free Grand Slam with my father, and I am getting along well with him. Then we watched a bootleg copy of The Blind Side, which was a wonderful, wonderful movie. I enjoyed it a lot.

Then my brother came home and took me out to Ted's Hot Dogs for lunch. If you guys ever visit me here, you'll have to go cause it has some of the best food ever.

On that note, I'm going to need to go to the gym for like 2384709735 hours when we get back. All I've been eating is cake, ice cream and junk because everyone is treating me to it for my birthday... Can't say I'm complaining.

Then I lounged around and relaxed, which is actually really enjoyable since I don't get to do it much at school, especially since there isn't a couch big enough for me to stretch out on...

Planning on seeing Remember Me tomorrow, and Alice in Wonderland at some point. Plans are a bit fuzzy on that one, but it'll happen. Hitting up the mall on Thursday, cause Ted wants to buy a suit, and I want to buy a couple of things to freshen up my wardrobe. Not too much, just one or two cute new things to make me excited to go back and show them off.

SO yeah, the only thing that was sad about today isn't actually that serious (it has nothing to do with my grandma, she's out of the hospital today and doing better). As you know, I am very anti-Love Never Dies, the sequel to Phantom of the Opera. My favorite facebook group, Love Should Die, has been shut down, supposedly by the Really Useful Group, which owns the rights to the Phantom musical. I have no idea why, but I am posting a short video about it on youtube, so if ya'll could check out my vids at http://www.youtube.com/user/animelover13579, rate them 5 stars and maybe comment if you feel the need (if you watch them, you don't have to), it would really help. We need to let ALW know he hasn't won. Thanks guys.

Enjoy the rest of break, I know I will!

Monday, March 15, 2010

things are better

My grandma is in intensive care but has stabilized and is getting out of IC tomorrow (is it ironic the abbreviation is the same?) and my mom said she was sort of coherent yesterday. Or as coherent as she has been for the last few months.

Update- Visiting Cesca was awesome. it is totally different from Ithaca, but at the basis, she just has some cool friends that she hangs with, just like us.

I made a short video of our time together, and it will be up soon. I have to finish editing it.

Tomorrow is my birthday! I think I'm going to go to the movies in the afternoon to see Alice in Wonderland, then have dinner with my family. Wednesday I think I'm visiting my other grandma then going to see Remember Me. I'm pumped.

So that's about it. I've been traveling for half the weekend so I'm kind of jet lagged, so I'll post something more interesting when it happens...

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Update: All is not well on the homefront

So guys, I love that we finally got to go home and be on Spring Break, and that I could just be home, relax and enjoy my birthday. I had a lovely time chilling at home with my parents and my kitties, relaxing and being happy.

Saturday morning it all came crashing down. We had planned on running some errands before going to my hair appointment to get my highlights redone and then drive to Bonaventure to have dinner with my sister and her roommate before my parents would leave and I would get to stay for the weekend.

I heard the phone ring around 8 oclock. I didn't think about it, just rolled over and said "who would call that early on a Saturday?"

Around 9, my mom came into my room and asked if I could be ready a bit earlier than planned. She said that we had to stop by the hospital; my grandmother was admitted last night. All the while she was holding my hand. I sleepily asked "Is she gonna die?" to which my mom replied, "I think it is going to be soon, but we just don't know..."

Around 10:30, we get to the hospital. I think I can handle it. The last few times I've been home, she has been slowly getting worse, but I wasn't prepared for what I saw.

Recap before I continue- my Grandma has had back problems since I was in like Kindergarten. She stopped driving us around when I was like 5, and she was admitted into a nursing home on and off since I was like 12. She was still very aware and happy when I left for school in August, but apparently in October she had a small heart attack, and my parents suspect a stroke. She wouldn't eat for a while, and she lost tons of weight, weighing in at about 80 pounds. She slowly started losing her memory and nowadays she doesn't really know who everyone is. She used to be vaguely aware, and the day before I visited my mom said she asked "Where are the girls?"

However, when I stepped in to the room, all i saw was this frail, tiny woman curled up on the hospital bed wheezing. My mom said she has a sinus infection, urinary tract infection, COPD and congestive heart failure, which means her heart can't pump the amount she needs and it is slowly shutting down. Not to mention, she has fluid/mucus going into her lungs, hence the terrible wheezing. She was shivering and wheezing, but my mom said she had a fever.

My mother kept asking "Mom are you cold? Mom, do you see who is here? It's Tina, she came back from school! She came to see you and tell you we love you... How are you feeling ma? are you cold?"

My Grandma just stared into the distance. Once in a while, she would curl up and raise her head, stare straight at me and then just lay down again. She didn't see me at all. There was no recognition in her eyes, no remembrance of her little Tina...

I cried. I cried a lot. I sobbed into my mother's arms as she held me next to my grandmother's bed and said "it's ok, she probably doesn't know what kind of pain she is in... Deep down somewhere, I'm sure she knows you've visited and she knows you love her." But I just couldn't stop crying. This was the woman who used to watch Pokemon with me in the summer mornings that we stayed over. The woman we used to play jeopardy with on weeknights when we visited and who we would help with crossword puzzles and sunday dinners. And she wasn't her anymore. This poor shell of a woman was not my grandma anymore, and I couldn't take it.

I couldn't even stop crying when my grandfather came back to the room (he had been there since 2 in the morning and had gone to get breakfast). I couldn't even be strong for him. I just kept crying. He's been there for her through it all, and loved her every day of their lives together. He is so sweet. When they recount their courtship, he casually says "I knew I wanted to marry you the moment I met you!" And all I could see was the grief in his eyes, seeing what their live together had become- nothing more than hospital visits and waiting for the end.

As soon as we left, I sobbed uncontrollably, all the way to the car asking my mom how long she had, how long was she going to be like this? My mom doesn't know. It could be months, weeks or days. The cycle of modern medicine is vicious- My grandma will get "better" and go back to her nursing home. In a little while, she'll be sick and infected again- her body just can't fight. She'll be in the hospital again, and each time my mom will call me and I will wonder if this is the last time.

Here's where my agnosticism comes into play. My mom, on the ride home, was comforting my by saying soon she'll be with Jesus and my mom's brothers (Peter, Paul and David, 3 of her siblings that died shortly after birth- Peter and Paul were twins) and my aunt Julie, who died of cancer when I was in 5th grade, the same year my dad had open heart surgery. That my grandma will soon be home with God...

But how can I believe that? My grandmother was a devout Christian/Catholic for her whole life. Every time we saw her, she would thank the lord for something. So how can this all loving God sit there and let my grandmother suffer as she is? She isn't living anymore, she merely exists here with no point or purpose, no awareness of the world around her or the people who love her. Why is he letting her live such a horrible existence? I hate to say it, but I kind of just wish it was over, for her and for us. She isn't living, and it's tearing me apart. Every time I see her all I can think is that she was fine when I left for college, and I've been having fun and having a great time while she wasted away...

I don't know what to do. My mom is so strong about it. She says "I've said goodbye to my mother so many times that I am just used to it. I've forgiven her for what she didn't do and thanked her for everything she did." But I never got to say goodbye, not in that way. And now I never can, because my grandma will never know how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. Even if I told her now, she wouldn't know who was saying it or what I was saying...

I don't know what to do... Spring Break doesn't seem like much of a relaxing break at this point...

At least visiting Cesca is fun and awesome and keeping my mind off of it a bit... Ithaca and happiness seems worlds away right now...

Friday, March 12, 2010

Home :-)

So, after what seemed like an extra long drive, I finally arrived home. I think its cause my dad and I had a nice long dinner at a rest stop on the way home, and the ride didn't seem as long as it was (about 4 hours total). The weather was kind of sucky too. I miss the beautiful sunshine.

Anywho, I'm going to visit Cesca a day early! I get to go tomorrow and stay til Monday morning, and I am sooooo excited!!!! I miss her lots and lots, so we are going to celebrate our birthday the Bonaventure way! (I'll let you know what that is when I find out...)

Anyway, I just had to rebuff Liz's claim that Wegmans is the only thing that makes New York superior. Fun fact Liz: New Hampshire is one of only three states that places no helmet restrictions on motorcyclists. What makes that a good idea? The fact that if they do get into an accident it is almost certainly fatal? hmmm. Sounds like a bad idea to me...

And you might say, "Well NH has the first primary which gives it leverage in the election!" And I ask, who cares? In the grand scheme of things, how many electoral votes does your state have compared to NY? NOT THAT MANY.

Yes, I am actually looking things up about why NH is awesome and debunking them. Here's the last one I feel like doing tonight: New Hampshire shares a border with Canada, facilitating international trade and travel. Really? Guess who else shares an even bigger boarder with Canada near Toronto? That's right, New York.

And again, NYC > all of New Hampshire.

Consider yourself pwned Liz.

Also, random, I put up a new Phantom video. You're probably sick of them, but I'm pretty witty so if you haven't checked them out yet, my username is animelover13579. If you ever have plenty of free time, check my vids out. Someday I will diversify them, but right now Love Never Dies is the most important point of discussion for me. Hopefully not for long, as hopefully its existence proves brief. So yeah. There ya go.

Currently listening to: Jekyll and Hyde- it's an awesome musical, check it out if you haven't heard it!

Thursday, March 11, 2010


You heard me. I'm done. Done with my exams. Done with my papers. And done with stress. Well, sort of. It always stresses me after exams because I want to know what I got, but hey, what can I do? It is out of my hands.

So here's the recap of the horror that was my week:
Stats-99 (which I'm still soooo excited about)
International Essay- No idea. I'm just glad to be done with the class
Computer Database Exam- well, it seemed easy, so I'm hoping it is a good grade, but I'm not too worried about it. I don't see why it was two parts, it took like 20 minutes total
Spiritual Journeys paper- I have no idea. I think my Woman Warrior section sucks, but my Nightmare Before Christmas metaphor is sure to save me. Plus she is so laid back in class I can't imagine her being a harsh grader. At least, that's what Andrea keeps telling me. I'm going to have to defer to her logic on that one
Macroeconomics Test- Just took this one, I don't know. I feel like I did well, but I'm paranoid I made stupid mistakes. Here's to hoping I didn't

And that's about it. I have my last International class tomorrow (FINALLY) and Italian. In which she hopefully won't assign us anything. Then I think Sarah and I are watching and episode of Angel and then I'm going to lunch with everyone (minus Liz, who is leaving early and Sarah, who has class) before my dad gets here and we make the journey home. I'm so happy to be going home. I just want to snuggle with my mom and my cats. Yes, I still cuddle with my mother. Our relationship has improved exponentially since I moved away, thankfully.

Then I get to see my bella on Sunday, and I cannot wait. I love just being with her because it is like we were never apart. And that's a wonderful feeling. I love her sososososo much.
Currently listening to Si, Mi Chiamano Mimi (They call me Mimi) from La Boheme, because it's been stuck in my head all freaking day. And I don't know why.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

F*** you Statistics!

hell yeah. I beasted out a 99 on my Stats exam, which is amazing because Math is actually a challenge for me. I had a calc genius for a friend in high school and she basically got me an A. She understood like every problem, so she would help me through all of our homework until I was confident I could do the steps myself. That and my calc teacher was really good, and his practice questions for the exam always looked startlingly familiar to the actual exam questions...

Not surprisingly, I aced my Italian test with a smooth 100.5. Grazie to you, bonus points! I say not surprisingly because it isn't hard to do well in a class you really care about, and I love Italian. It's just so pretty!

So, today I'm in a good mood, I'm going to rock my macro exam tomorrow and I'm going to beast this Spiritual Journeys essay. Yes. I have been given the confidence by today's events to complete the tasks at hand.

And since I'm in the mood for some Italian, I'm listening to some lovely opera. Enjoy Andrea Bocelli singing Nessun Dorma (None shall sleep) from the opera Turandot at a concert in Tuscany:

And then enjoy Vieni Via Con Me da Pollicina (It means come away with me and is the Italian version of Let Me Be Your Wings from Thumbelina)

If you're super curious or confused, I can actually translate both. It's a good time.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

This essay is killing me

Seriously, this Spiritual Journeys paper is killing me. I have a really good idea for one part- My Nightmare Before Christmas/Jew in the Lotus parallel is freaking rocking that prompt. The other 2, not so much. I just don't know how to quote and include Eck, Wearing and Kingston in the paper. I don't even know how to include woman warrior in the freaking paper. There weren't any real journeys in there besides her mom and her aunt, but I don't know what that says about the journey or what it proves.

Like seriously, who assigns a freaking 5 page in depth essay and gives you the choices like a week before it is due? It took me a good 2-3 days to sort out which choice I was picking and then another day to choose what direction I was going with the choice I chose. Now I'm sitting here, swamped by my other tests trying to analyze things I read months ago deeply. We had to read the books so fast that I couldn't go as deep as I wanted, and as such I'm having a hard time relating things to the topic. Seriously, I have better things to be doing with my life than trying to find a quote about tourism ruining religious dialogue from Honeymoon in Purdah. I have freaking exams to worry about, plus it has been so long since I've seen my bella and I just want to go home.

I was feeling optimistic earlier today about everything. I thought stats went pretty well and I kind of get economics, and I think comp will be pretty easy considering I have a 99.6 in the class and this test doesn't count for much. But this essay is ruining my night. I just don't know where it is going, and it really bugs me because it shouldn't be this hard. But the class didn't really give me the depth I wanted in regards to the books. It's like we read them but don't discuss them, so I'm left to interpret what I will without input from others, which isn't helpful at a time like this.

Ugh. FML I just want to be home.

Currently listening to Whataya Want From Me by Adam Lambert cause Casey's been singing it and it has been stuck in my head. And the title is appropriate cause I don't know what the hell Prof Wagner wants from this essay...

On a completely unrelated note, it is ONE WEEK UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!!!! I can't wait!!!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Break Time

So I'm taking a short break to go over this week again. It helps me put everything in perspective.

1.) I finished my International Essay! I don't know if it's good... It's everything she asked for, but she's kind of a crappy grader/teacher so I have no idea how this one is gonna turn out.

2.) I'm pretty sure I rocked my Italian test today because I studied super hard and I practice a lot. I mean like legit conversations in my head in Italian and translating stuff and studying hard. I REALLY want to be a TA next semester- I feel like it would be so fun!!!

3.) I'm in pretty good shape for my stats test tomorrow- I think I get the stuff better this time. I'm really trying hard, but math is not my strong point. I am determined to rock it though!

4.) Started studying for Comp. Hoping the exam is as much of a joke as the rest of the class

5.) I actually started my seminar paper. I'm really proud of it so far- comparing the journey of the guy in Jew and the Lotus to Jack Skellington in The Nightmare Before Christmas? Comparing the journeys to my favorite RPG series Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts? I really feel like she'll like it. She like teaches a course on God in video games. I'm right up her ally.

6.) Macro- the one beast I haven't tackled. But we're reviewing in class tomorrow and I figure if I have any questions I can stop by his office Wednesday. I probably will be doing it anyway cause we get extra credit if we visit his office twice before break, and I've already gone once, so I feel like some extra insurance as to my grade can't hurt. I feel like his reviews prepare me well, and we're really only doing shifts in supply and demand curves so I think I can handle it...

Throw in a few extra assignments and classes and I'm free for Spring Break! I. CANNOT. WAIT. I felt really overwhelmed earlier, but I'm really working hard and managing my time well, so I feel like I can handle it, which is awesome. I think the beautiful weather is boosting my spirits too!

Currently listening to Lady Gaga- I can't get it out of my head thanks to Casey's awesome acapella group <3.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I'm obsessed with this song

And no, it's not Phantom!

Vieni da Me means come to me

Short update

So, basically NYC was amazing and I'm sure you heard from me the stuff we did, so I won't bother to retell it because it is tedious and because my arms are so sore that I can barely type. Why are my arms sore? I have no idea. It's probably because of the odd positions I slept in for the 10 hour in total bus trip we took.

Was it worth it? Yes and no- it was cheap and a ton of fun, plus I love Tim Burton and Italian Opera, but I'm tired and sore and have a lot of work to do. I'm getting ahead though, I've done one of my essays and studied for 2 of my exams today. I just have to keep chugging along. I also feel bad about missing Casey's concert, because I heard it was amazing and I wish I could have been there. I will make sure my schedule is clear for Block IV!!!

On a lighter note, not only was the weather beautiful there, it is gorges here too!!!!! I'm so excited! I can feel spring coming, and that makes me super happy. Winter gives me a serious case of the blues, so I'm glad it's almost over with.

So, onto studying and studying, maybe some firefly. I'm way too sore to even think about doing yoga and probably pilates, so I might just do a few quick cardio trips this week and call it a day, because I can't give up my workout schedule just cause I have a few tests. I will not fall into that trap!

I cannot wait til next week!!!!

Currently listening to Vieni da Me by Le Vibrazioni- we listened to it in Italian class and it's una canzione bella!!!! I recommend it, and I can tell you what it means! (we translated it in class together, but I understand a lot of it!!!! I also understood a lot of the Opera which made me super happy!)


Friday, March 5, 2010

Next week is going to kill me

In order to forewarn my friends of my probable upcoming mental breakdown, here's what I have to do for the week before Spring Break saves me

I have tests in: Italian, Stats, Comp (its a 2 day test) and Macroeconomics
I have papers due in: Honors Seminar and International Business
I have or will also have homework in: Stats, Italian, International and Seminar
I also in our free time have: Floor meeting, Pilates, Yoga, and a group OL interview session

Throw in trips to the gym and my need to watch Legend of the Seeker, The Buried Life and Firefly in order to take breaks and keep my sanity.

It's going to be so. much. fun. Ok, so I apologize in advance if I get snappy, testy or cry profusely in front of you. It's going to be a hell of a week. Especially since I'm losing prep time on Saturday. Gah. I need Spring Break like now.

Currently listening to "Musica per Noi" by Luca Velletri (the Italian version of Phantom) to calm me down.

Thursday, March 4, 2010


Naps are potentially the most glorious thing on this earth. And that's all that needs to be said...

Oh, and this is pretty awesome as well:

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


So, for those of you that don't know, it is 2 weeks til my birthday!!!! I'm super excited. I don't really know why, because 19 isn't that exciting, although where I'm from that means you can drink in Canada! Whooo!!!! I will tell you right now I will not be utilizing that privilege. I'm just not interested.

Which also means 2 important things- 1.) break is less than 2 weeks away. Its about 10 days actually, if you count next Friday. I do cause I still have class... And I can't wait, because that brings me to point number 2, I GET TO SEE CESCA!!! I cannot wait to see her... It has been waaaaaaaaay too long without my bella. Though it brings up the interesting dilemma, what the heck am I gonna do when I'm away for 4 months in london? YIKES!!! Well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I have a year to mentally prepare myself, right?

So yeah. Break is coming and that's basically all I care about right now. Except Firefly. I care about that. Because space cowboys are pretty much the best thing since sliced bread. Or so I've heard. I'll pass my judgment when we finish, but I can already tell. It is just that epic.

Night all!

Oh yeah, I wanted to say today was awesome. Even though we didn't win the cake thing, our team pulled together and actually made a damn good cake if I say so myself. Which I obviously do, or I wouldn't have said it... Anywho, here's to hoping that certain events will play out well and my day tomorrow will be even better <3

Monday, March 1, 2010

Sex and Tacos

I imagine all of my friends will be posting about our amazing night, so I'll just stick to the basics. I wasn't going to go because, well, I don't like tacos and I've never had sex. Also, I'd just finished the ass kicking that is Pilates (which makes my legs soooo tired, but is TOTALLY worth it. I can feel my legs and abs looking better each time).

Anyway, I decided to go because I thought it would be fun to hang with my friends. I was right. It was hilarious. There were std stuffed animals and more condoms than you can imagine. Plus about 137 different types of birth control. No thanks, I'll stick to the pill.

So basically it was a wonderful, sex and condom filled night that ended with an explosion. And I'll let everyone else take care of the details.