Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Gloomy Weather, Gloomy Girl

So, its been pouring for a good couple of hours. I just want the sun. It's so dreary when it rains and it makes life miserable.

That being said, my day wasn't dreadful, there are just one or two things that bug me more than they should, and I want to clear it up here. It's easier to explain while typing alone in my room than with a bunch of us in the dining hall.

But first, nice stuff today- Jake told me only 3 people got to be OL's from the Business School (and all schools, as a matter of fact) so that means I must have been really impressive to get it! That's exciting! I just hope the experience will be wonderful, which I'm sure it will be. I'll get to make new friends, so that's kind of cool. I mean, I adore my friends from Lyon, but branching out can't hurt. I mean, we spend like every day together, and sometimes I think some distance could do some good, just once in a while. When you spend too much time together, there are bound to be one or two problems, even if they aren't major. That hasn't really happened yet, but I know from my experience with Cesca. We even fought because we just eventually got on each others nerves. It happens, that's life.

Also, Jake thinks there are more classes I can take in London for my major, which would be nice, cause I'm looking at a ton of 18 credit semesters when I'm actually on this campus and not in Europe. Totally worth it. He's having someone from the B school email me, since I don't go there anymore this semester.

Finally, my stats professor asked me to consider minoring in Math. Now, I hate math. The only way I got through it was my calc buddy Kayla, but she's not here. And I just don't like math enough to dedicate the time and effort it would take- a math minor is 21 credits. With my major, concentration, 2 minors and 2 study abroads, I really, really can't fit it in. I know it would look good, I just really can't do it. I feel bad saying no, but I have to grow a backbone sometime. I usually say yes so I don't hurt people's feelings, and my professor is really nice, I just don't see it happening. Oh well, I appreciate the compliment.

Now the bad. There's really only one thing that's getting me down, and it's just stupid. It shouldn't be, and I feel really bad for being upset about it, but I can't help it. I'm not perfect. I'm not over my insecurities and all the things in high school that reminded me of my constant failure.

Today in class, long story short, our group of 4 (me, Sarah, Casey and Andrea) were splitting up to work on an exercise. Casey and Andrea asked Luke to be in their group, and he said something to the effect of "Yay! I get to be in the group with the better girls!"

I almost cried. I know he jokes around. I know he was kidding. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal to people. But I've spent my entire life being compared to and belittled by people. Ever since I was born, I've been compared to my sister, Francesca. Her name is cooler. She isn't as shy. She's more extroverted and cool and confident and everything I'm not. She's bubbly and peppy and I'm quieter and more subdued. I spent the entirety of high school being compared to her and being called 'the stupid one' because she was Salutatorian and I wasn't. Doesn't matter that I was number 4. Nope. I'm just not as worthy.

So you know what, being called 'not as good' bugs me. A lot. I spent years hating myself because I didn't measure up to other people's standards. Every time someone mentions Cesca and her speech, I'm reminded of my apparent failures in high school. No matter what, I've been overshadowed. So forgive me if it upsets me when someone tells me I am not as worthy, especially when they can't even remember my name.

So my friends, I apologize for making a big deal out of something that you feel isn't. But to me, it took me back to my years of sadness and self-loathing during high school. Do you know what it feels like to hate yourself, utterly and completely? It may seem over dramatic, but that was my life in high school. And I never want to be there again.

No comments:

Post a Comment